People and abortion; simple and complex

I'm sitting here feeling very disturbed after reading some comments on Facebook. People can sound so mean and dogmatic! The internet has its great points, but one of its worst is the freedom it gives some people to lash out viciously with their hate and utter contempt for those who have a differing opinion.

I like to think I'm a reasonable, rational person, but I've seen what I'm capable of to the ones I supposedly love, so I am in no way holding myself above the fray. I guess my filter is thicker where the internet is concerned, which seems to not be the norm, if what I've been reading is any indication.

Why are we so quick to assume that the other person is stupid, mean, abhorrent, or beneath us? If I took some of the comments I read today and judged those who typed them, I would make that judgment about THEM, who so freely make it of others.

It's a breath of fresh air when someone of sound mind calmly, politely, and rationally comments without the mean emotion that we're so used to seeing in comments sections. I wish more people would comment like that. I would like to BE more like that.

What brought this on is the news that the Susan G. Komen Foundation has reallocated funds from Planned Parenthood to other services. Okay, breathe deeply... let's count to 100 and put aside our immediate, gut-wrenching reactions to one of the most polarizing issues of our day... abortion.

Are you calmer? Has the red tinge left the edges of your vision?

Before we run headlong into what could be a disaster of epic proportions, I'd like to say that my goal is to understand. I want to know WHY you believe what you do. I want to understand with love and with the thought uppermost in my mind that you are a fellow human being, JUST LIKE ME, with feelings like me. And I hope that you would give me the same consideration. We are all fallible people trying to make our way in this crazy thing called life, and none of us has all the answers. NONE of us.

Part of why I want to blog about this is that at first glance, abortion seems such a big, complex issue. I want to understand it more clearly, and writing about something often makes it clearer. Not always, but usually. The other part is wanting to understand people more clearly, and why we do the things we do.

So the facts about abortion as I understand it are:

Sex results in pregnancy. Pregnancy is unwanted, so woman chooses to abort pregnancy.

Seems pretty straightforward to me. I understand the part about a woman needing to be able to choose to do what she wants with her body. As a woman, I wouldn't want anyone telling me what to do with my body. I understand all the arguments that this planet already has too many people. I understand that "people don't take care of the children they already have" (but by whose judgment?) All of these I've seen and read in comments sections.

What breaks my heart is the baby that wasn't given a chance to choose for him or herself. I think that's the crux of the issue for me. (And the whole argument over what to call who on which side of this great divide, don't start that one here!)

What I DON'T understand is how is that not an issue? What's the thought process that doesn't see that abortion is ultimately the deliberate ending of a human life? The idea that the fetus is not a viable human being before a certain time period is losing ground as more and more pre-term babies are being saved at earlier ages.

For me, the issue hangs on this very thought, that a beautiful human life was stopped before it had a chance to begin life outside the womb. It's the thought that EVERY life is valuable. Every life. Every. Life.

The choice issue... as someone who doesn't have all the answers, I know I don't want the federal government - or anyone - telling me what I need to do with my body. And this is where it does get complicated for me. My faith in humanity is not so strong that I would think every woman would realize the preciousness and potential of the baby she carries, and therefore carry it to term.

Because of that lack of trust in humanity, the idea of making abortion illegal fills me with unease and confusion. As someone who values every life so highly, I am confused by why I hesitate. Do I believe in the idea that botched home abortions would kill so many more lives? Would an underground abortion movement begin?

I don't know. There's so much I don't know. So I'm not going to be dogmatic about it. I know that God is saddened when we kick and bite each other with our words and actions. And there will be hell to pay, eventually. I am not condemning anyone... if you've read this far, I hope you'd know that it is definitely not my intention to condemn. I just want to understand. Thanks for reading.

Snarkiness among boys

I just made a chocolate pudding cake at the insistence of pesky nine-year-old son, and the house smells delicious. Gotta say, it was worth that first bite right out of the oven.

Speaking of pesky sons, I have been struggling with dealing with all three of my sons snarking at each other (not sure if that's the correct use of "snarking," but it FEELS right) at various times throughout the day. More often than less, if you know what I mean. I get so danged tired of telling them to knock it off that it makes me crabby, being crabby.

I know it's not right to compare, but I see other families and it seems like they all get along so much better than we do. It makes me grit my teeth (like right now, second son is hollering that first son has taken some of his money and he wants me to tell him to give it back. Whatever.)... and want to lock myself in the basement, if we had one that was decorated nicely and had plush carpeting. And a fireplace, with some fine chocolate.

What have we done wrong?? I guess there's some benefit to looking at what we've done wrong, and even better would be finding out where we need to change (once we find out what we've done wrong). But dwelling on the wrong that's been done is like praying for someone to overcome their faults, over and over. The emphasis becomes the negative, instead of focusing on the positive.

If I pray for someone's faults to improve every day, I'm thinking about how annoying these faults are, and why the heck can't they change, and how life would be so much better for me if these faults of theirs would just go away.

Ok, I can see you all smirking at me because that's exactly what I've been doing with my boys, focusing on their snarking every day instead of seeing the positive. Thanks, thanks so much. No, really, that's what I love about blogging; it's therapy, and you all get to see the messy working-out of my inner psycotherapist.

Let's see... what's the positive.... They're not on drugs; they CAN play together at times; two of them still like hugs from their mom; they listen most of the time; they still like to spend time with us; they DO try with their schoolwork most of the time; and none of them are driving. Yet.

I guess they're pretty good boys, overall. If the only thing that's bugging me at this point in life with three boys is them snarking at each other, then life's darned easy. It just feels like it's a trial sometimes, and that's only because my perspective is limited.

I'm trying to encourage more positivity in our conversations, so I've instituted a rule that for every negative comment, the instigator has to make five positive comments about the victim. It's been working out all right, and I'm hoping it's causing them to think twice before saying what they think they need to say.

The boys actually like to hear the positive comments about themselves (if the comments are sincere), and we've ended up giggling together about some of the positive comments. I've had to make some positive comments myself, and it's fun to encourage the boys by telling them how I appreciate them.

They are still boys, after all, and need encouragement to grow; it's like light and water to them. Words can be so important, and I think I haven't said enough encouraging things about the boys on a daily basis. I want to change that, and this little rule is helping me accomplish it.

How do you encourage your kids, and what are some ideas to bring positive elements into your day with them? I need all the help I can get! Thanks for reading, and stay safe and well!

Dreaming through conversations

Have you ever looked back over your day and thought, "Aw shucks, I really missed an opportunity to bless someone," or "Man, I should have said this...."

Just a few days ago I was mentally kicking myself for missing the opportunity to make someone feel special, just by saying a few words. I'm sure they didn't even miss it, but God brought it to my attention, and it probably would have made their day brighter.

I read this article just a few moments ago that addressed this very issue, and I had an Aha! moment. No, not that 80's group from Sweden (or wherever they were from). The author brought up the fascinating idea of visualizing conversations:

During my Sabbath moments, I quietly dream through the conversations I am scheduled to have. I often think about the tasks that populate my to-do list. As I imagine, I ask questions: How could I be useful in that situation? What might I say if he or she … Can I be a better listener? What word from God might come through me? It is in these imagining moments that God's Holy Spirit paints possibilities on our minds.

Here's the link if you're interested in reading the entire article: http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2011/fall/cutsharpen.html?start=6

I love the descriptive words he uses: "dream through," "paints possibilities." But the concept is startling to me because it's something I obviously had not thought of before. Why not think through your day or week and consider what you might say BEFORE you go into that meeting or lunch?

I've read of successful athletes doing this before games -- visualizing possible plays and thinking through how they would react; what they would do next and what outcome they would like to have.

It seems like a really mindful way of living life, which is what I've been thinking a lot of lately (see my last post on Time...). I want to SEE my life -- the people who inhabit it, the situations in which God places me, and the little, everyday details that can be so important when they are noticed and celebrated.

Seems like when I was in my teens and twenties I didn't have a problem noticing life because it was so new and exciting. But in my thirties and now my forties, I'd fallen into a sleepwalk when it came to opening my inner eyes and seeing the possibilities and excitement in day-to-day life.

Switchfoot has been the only band playing on my iPod and in my van lately because they are so good at getting me to open my eyes and examine my life. If there are two songs you must hear from them, let it be "Dare You to Move" and "This is Your Life." Well, maybe three: "Meant to Live" made a big impact on me as well. Actually, get their last five albums, really listen to the lyrics, and your life will most likely change in a big way. If you do this, let me know how it goes!

I feel like I'm changing, in a good way. God is bringing new life to me and I'm feeling refreshed and alive. Part of that coming alive is taking a deep breath and suddenly really noticing where I am. And that includes paying attention when God brings articles like the one above to me, or bands and music like Switchfoot's. I am so thankful to be alive, and I want to be a blessing.

So here's to taking time to think through our days instead of sleepwalking through them! Come alive, take a lungful of air, open your eyes, see your world! And don't spend any time regretting missed opportunities, because you've taken advantage of every one that's been sent your way.

Time like a river

Autumn is in full swing in Minnesota, and each day I enjoy the lovely, colorful leaves on the trees. Some trees still have all their green leaves, others are in full glorious yellows, oranges, and blazing reds, and some are already completely bare. I keep thinking I should stop and take some pictures as I rush from place to place, but if I took the time, I'd be late to wherever I had to go. So I haven't stopped.

The other day, I was shocked to see that the goldenrod blooms which were so beautiful just a few days ago (it seemed) were now fluffy and gray. How in the heck did that happen? When did they change... it seemed so sudden! And why didn't I stop when they were at their beautiful best?

Sometimes time seems to hit you in the face, and that day, it really sucker punched me. I thought about how, most of the time, time just flows along, unnoticed, and quiet, and then all of a sudden, BAM! You realize that it has passed, and somehow you missed it -- a whole bunch of it.

That's often how we live our lives, going with the flow -- sometimes we're flowing amongst the rapids and it seems like we can hardly breathe we're going so fast. Other times, it's peaceful and quiet, and we float along, not thinking much about what's coming next, or even looking at what we are passing by on the shore.

Time is such an elusive concept... in my river analogy, it's the river... and the shore. It's in the minute changes that happen day-to-day and minute-by-minute, in us and in everything and everyone around us. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it as I type this. We are carried along by time, and yet we are affected and changed by it, too. The one thing I know is that it waits for no one.

I'm glad time sucker-punched me that day, because since then, I've tried to be more mindful about the shore, opening my eyes and taking in as much as I can. Because one day, if I'm not mindful, my life will be different (heck, tomorrow will be different!), and I will wonder where all that time went. It didn't go anywhere... it was there all along, flowing mindlessly while I closed my eyes to it.

So open your eyes, as I try to keep mine open. Look in wonder at the beauty around you, at the beautiful people around you. Notice something new today; look for it like you would look for treasure. Because that's what life is, a treasure given to us to enjoy and give thanks for. And stop and take a few pictures while you're at it!

Unimaginable blessings

Lately, the beautiful weather here in Minnesota has been just perfect. Warm, sunny days with low humidity, and every few days a deep, soaking rainshower comes along to water the gardens and lawns. This is what we dream of in deep winter when we shiver, fingers icy as we start our cold cars.

But I don't want to talk too much about weather....

I was sitting in our patio the other day, enjoying the coolness of the morning sun, eating a really juicy white peach, and thinking about unimaginable blessings. Unimaginable... what does that look like? Each of us has our own idea of unimaginable; mine would look different from yours.

For example, eating that deliciously fragrant peach is an unimaginable blessing to a starving child. They have no idea a fruit like that even exists, and eating one would be outside the realm of their possibilities.

I am surrounded by unimaginable blessings. If you're reading this, most likely, you are too. Open your eyes to see these inconceivable things; imagine being brought here from a cardboard shack in some third world slum and being inundated by this wealth.

We may not think we're wealthy in material ways -- after all the economy stinks, and jobs are scarce. But we are wealthy... even the "poor" of this nation live in unimaginable wealth when you compare it to the poor of many other nations.

I watched a TV show that interviewed several people "living in poverty" in the US, and they also showed their homes/apartments. What struck me is that our definition of poverty is so skewed.... They had MANY material items; in fact, one man had a wall full of what looked like VCR movies and CDs.

For a family of five to qualify for free school lunches, the maximum wage earned has to be below something like $45,000 a year. Wow. We are a blessed nation indeed.

I'm sure in my sheltered life I haven't seen everything there is to see about living in poverty in the US. I know that. When you compare the poor here to the wealthy, the chasm is pretty deep... but not as deep as it could be.

This isn't an economic rant... I am just overwhelmed at the amount of good things that surrounds me, and want to be grateful for it, and never to take it for granted. I need to remind myself that I AM RICH, materially, and spiritually. Thank goodness I have a Creator to whom I can be thankful.

How are you surrounded by unimaginable blessings?

"Get rich quick; count your blessings." (Church sign here in St. Francis)

In need of a hug

I wrote something about a year ago that makes me tear up when I read it. My boys are getting bigger every day, and it's hard to measure their growth on a day-to-day basis. So it's nice to look back and see how far they've come in a year's time.

I wrote this in my "therapy journal" which helps me work things out by writing in the third person. I'll try not to mention which son I'm talking about, but you may be able to guess.
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"...#2 especially has been a pain in the rear end for a while now, and she was nearing the end of her rope with him.

There was a moment last Saturday when she dropped him off at choir -- when he dropped his bad boy attitude long enough to show her (unconsciously) that he was only a 12-year-old in need of a hug. He'd gotten out of the van and she put her arms out for a hug, and to her surprise, he came willingly, without the usual dramatics.

She felt something go klunk and looked down, breaking contact briefly. It was her cell phone, so she picked it up, and was surprised again when he continued the hug.

Afterward, his awkward "I'm twelve and I don't really need hugs" self came to the fore briefly, but before that, she saw the shy neediness in his eyes.

On the way home, she cried for that boy, the sensitive, affectionate, sweet one buried most of the time underneath the loud, raucous, obnoxious, attention-seeking show-off. That quiet boy needed his mom to give him the encouragement and affection he needs to survive and grow strong.

But if he doesn't get it, he covers up the hurt by being louder than everyone; the noise drowning out the cry of his psyche for the affirmation that he is worthy."

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This parenting thing will break your heart, but as someone once said, "If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love." Mistakes and bad decisions aside, I love my sons more than just about anything or anyone, and I have to cling to that when the bad times come. I KNOW I love them, and in my imperfect way, I want to do the best I can as a mom. With God's help, I can only keep trying.

Norway and the dark side

The nightmarish events in Norway remind us all that horror is sometimes just a heartbeat away. As I discussed with others why this human being would intentionally kill fellow human beings, someone said, "no offense, but this was a radical right-wing fundamentalist."

I took no offense, because this "fundamentalist" is as far from my way of thinking as Mercury is from Pluto. There's no difference between this "right-wing nut" and a "left-wing nut" when they decide to lay aside their humanity and dance with the devil. The outcome is the same; people get killed, innocents are slaughtered, all for the good of some ideal that is outside the bounds of sanity. I am deeply angry at this man who calls himself "Christian;" he can call himself whatever he wants, but his actions proved that he is no follower of Christ.

When we talk about left-wing or right-wing, we get the idea that there's some kind of line, stretching from the left to the right, with the vast majority of us somewhere in the middle. But that view was challenged for me when I considered the actions of this "Christian" who took lives into his own hands and decided to play God.

I won't mention his name, because from what I've read, he WANTS the notoriety, he wants the world-wide forum that being a mass murderer gives you because the world cannot fathom WHY this had to be done.

Instead of a straight line, with extremists on each end wreaking havoc with the world order, I picture a circle, with a side populated by most of the world; rational, sane, humane people. But as you move away from that, you come to the small section where rational thought gives way to insane logic. The section where, no matter whether your ideology is right or left, the end result is always a break with sanity.

The finger-pointing and name-calling because one side did this, or the other side did that, is ultimately useless and always takes away from the possible solution of peace and unity. How do we move from the side of right into the side of wrong? How does that happen?

The world is asking that question now, and if we can learn anything from this, it's that every step we take in this journey of life can take us in one direction or another. Toward the light side of the circle, or the dark side. The good news is we get to choose which way to take, and I hope that we examine every step to make sure that we are not heading to the wrong side.