The challenge of parenting teens

I don't know what it is about teenagers, but life with a challenging one can be nearly impossibly stressful. We only have two in our house for now, but it's interesting, to say the least.

First, I have to confess that our problems compared to others may seem small or even trivial, when you think of the drugs, alcohol, violence, gang activities, and who know what else is out there for teens. So let's get that clear to begin.

But as we transition from young boys to young teens, life is changing. Now I long for the days when the most I worried about was feeding them nutritious meals or cleaning up after bath time. Life was much less complicated. Very BUSY, but less complicated.

I miss the cuddling and sweet, sticky kisses of my chubby faced, ham-fisted little stinkers. I do still remember how much less sleep I got when they were babies, and the seemingly endless diaper changes, but it's all fading into the rosy mist that parents of teens like to revisit when their teen is being impossible.

It was easier being a parent then because you were in charge, completely, of these little ones. They depended on you to feed them, clothe them, bring them places, and show them how life works. They were completely dependent on you, and they LIKED it that way, because that was the only way they knew the world.

For some parents, that started changing when the kids hit the terrible twos. My boys were pretty easy, even their terrible twos, and I can't even say it was because of what we did as parents (it may have helped, but only God knows how much it helped!). I think they were pretty easy-going kids, although it may be that rosy mist interfering again.

But BAM, middle school (and now high school) began, and life changed. Suddenly we are faced with multiple teachers, horrendous peers and the pressure they bring, homework that requires organization and diligence, and worst of all, the ATTITUDE that parents are hopeless, useless, and not worthy of respect. It's that attitude that chaps my hide the most.

I know, "all teens" go through this attitude phase (and I'm praying it's just a phase and will go away, hopefully before they turn 40), and I even remember reading articles about teens when I was a teen, but apparently it didn't sink in -- I still had an attitude when I was a teen. I'm not proud of it, but I'd like to think it didn't last until I turned 40.

I do really appreciate my parents now, and try to let them know it as often as I can. And apologize when I think about it. Mom, Dad, you can chime in any time and let everyone know how I did as a teen. I can take it, honest. Love you!

Anyway, my teens are testing my sanity regularly. The really hard part about it all is this thought: "Am I doing the right thing for them?" There are so many paths you could take in disciplining a teen, so many different ways of dealing with them... the mental strength it takes to think about all the ways gives me a splitting headache. It doesn't always help when you read articles that give you tips on "how to handle your teen" because that's just another way to do things.

I'm not talking about principles of parenting like being consistent, or showing a united front. That's all fine and great, and we've read innumerable articles/books on these principles. I try to follow biblical principles when it comes to parenting, and the wonderful, sweeping statements like following the Golden Rule or the Greatest Commandment are fantastic principles.

But when it comes down to the rubber meeting the road, when your teen is sitting next to you, and you're trying to help him do his math homework, and he doesn't want to because he's spent all afternoon goofing around and now he wants to watch TV for two hours but can't because he's doing homework with his nagging mom, it just takes too much time to think of how to apply the Golden Rule.

Faced with "the attitude" at that kitchen table, I could only think of removing it from my presence. So I sent the attitude up to his room. How many different ways could I have handled that better? SO MANY WAYS. But thinking about them all induces that splitting headache mentioned above.

I'd like to think that I'm a good parent, but these teen years often have me feeling like the biggest failure ever. Maybe it's not about making mistakes, but in acknowledging them and admitting that it could have been done better, to yourself and to your teen.

My favorite verse of the bible is "Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love" (Ephesians 4:2) which is in line with the Golden Rule. Being a Christian is "easy" because "all" we have to do is be like Christ and love God with all our hearts, souls, and minds (the Greatest Commandment).

It's easy, but when the rubber meets the road, only God can give us the strength and wisdom to do the right thing, whether it's before we make our mistake, or after. Sometimes, parents don't know this is an option, and while it doesn't necessarily make parenting teens any easier, it helps with the peace of mind (and the splitting headache).

I know what I should do with my recalcitrant teen now, and my own recalcitrant heart. Do you have teens or older? What advice would you give me?