I wrote something about a year ago that makes me tear up when I read it. My boys are getting bigger every day, and it's hard to measure their growth on a day-to-day basis. So it's nice to look back and see how far they've come in a year's time.
I wrote this in my "therapy journal" which helps me work things out by writing in the third person. I'll try not to mention which son I'm talking about, but you may be able to guess.
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"...#2 especially has been a pain in the rear end for a while now, and she was nearing the end of her rope with him.
There was a moment last Saturday when she dropped him off at choir -- when he dropped his bad boy attitude long enough to show her (unconsciously) that he was only a 12-year-old in need of a hug. He'd gotten out of the van and she put her arms out for a hug, and to her surprise, he came willingly, without the usual dramatics.
She felt something go klunk and looked down, breaking contact briefly. It was her cell phone, so she picked it up, and was surprised again when he continued the hug.
Afterward, his awkward "I'm twelve and I don't really need hugs" self came to the fore briefly, but before that, she saw the shy neediness in his eyes.
On the way home, she cried for that boy, the sensitive, affectionate, sweet one buried most of the time underneath the loud, raucous, obnoxious, attention-seeking show-off. That quiet boy needed his mom to give him the encouragement and affection he needs to survive and grow strong.
But if he doesn't get it, he covers up the hurt by being louder than everyone; the noise drowning out the cry of his psyche for the affirmation that he is worthy."
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This parenting thing will break your heart, but as someone once said, "If it doesn't break your heart it isn't love." Mistakes and bad decisions aside, I love my sons more than just about anything or anyone, and I have to cling to that when the bad times come. I KNOW I love them, and in my imperfect way, I want to do the best I can as a mom. With God's help, I can only keep trying.
I am sure you are doing wonderfully. We all beat ourselves up over little things. If children were ruined by any little thing, there would be no stable adults anywhere. They get over it. So do we. They grow up. We grow old.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Randy.
ReplyDeleteoh parenting is so not easy, and I am not as far into it as you. this makes me tear up!
ReplyDeleteI love when, even the oldest ones, come over and need a hug. Sometimes you can glimpse the insecure child inside that is looking for affirmation and love-the small child you forget about inside the big body that is too big to sit on your lap and cuddle and sing to. And like Randy said, we always beat ourselves up over the little things that we do--the things we would do or say differently to our children. Trust me, your children know that you love them more than anything else in the world and they love you too--even when they're driving you crazy.
ReplyDeleteStephanie, it makes me cry every time I read it!
ReplyDeleteMichelle, thanks for the encouraging words. I think even we, as "big people," need those hugs too.